Nice Guy Nuances

So here is me and one of my best friends.  Lets call him Richie for now.

He's the one on the left.  That's me on the right (if you needed it spelled out for you).  Richie is a teacher back in Iowa City, where I have spent the last 5 years of my life finishing school, enjoying the bars, and pretty much every other thing that a guy in his mid-20's will do to enjoy a rich, fulfilling life.  Richie started a blog a while back that dealt with his recent experiences of being a new teacher, and some other stuff about his life (if you can't tell from the photo, he's kind of full of himself).

This next picture is of me and another friend.  Lets call him Mitt.

Mitt is again on the left.  One of the most talented actors I know, he has spent his time traveling all over the US, playing guitar on the streets, going to school in Louisville, and finally I got the chance to act with him in The Dumbwaiter by Pinter.  During the rehearsal of the show, Mitt lived on our couch, playing guitar during the day, and rehearsing at night.  But he also was a blogger, and was the one whose creative energy really got me thinking that I should start this too (btw, check out his blog 16 Dollars a Day.  It's great)

Now, I had struggled with what type of blog I should start.  Should it be humorous?  Serious?  Sleep inducing?  And what would I talk about?  My experiences as a server?  The trials of an aspiring actor?  I decided to just say screw it and write about all of these and more in a style I knew.  Lets call it 'Philosophical Satire".  Essays I have written about a number of things in a way I hope is both funny and engaging for you, the reader.  Enjoy!

Nice Guy Nuances

Here they are; the perfect couple.  One of my best friends, Richie, and his soon to be bride.  Him in is black tux (sadly sans bowtie) and her in the white flowing dress (sadly sans veil).  The spitting image of the perfect American couple.  The poster children of happiness.  And as if it couldn't be any better, their story is one straight out of Hollywood.

Just over a year before, Richie had his heart ripped out of him by his ex-fiance, a feeling I knew all too well from my own experience.  Those of us closest to him were racked with grief for him, but at the same time, ecstatic at the realization that he was single.  This was the guy who would have his girlfriend at the bar rail while he was working, introduce her as such, and STILL get numbers.  The shackles were undone, and it was time to release the Kraken!  You know that scene in How I Met Your Mother when Barney revels in the fact that he, Ted, and Marshal were all finally single at the same time?  It was like that.  There was going to be so much drinking and girls and playing wingman that it would have made Tucker Max look like an alter boy in comparison.  Alas, that dream was short lived.  2 weeks later, he met his would be bride, and promptly one year TO THE DAY after they met, they said "I do."  Can you say moving fast?  I feel there should be a relationship police that gives tickets for violations like this.  His offenses would have included:

Failure to Yield (You need at least one month of promiscuity before your next relationship)

Speeding (They were married within a year)

Running a Red Light (We all told him to stop and not jump into anything too soon)

*Sidenote* It's too bad we couldn't charge him with a Hit and Run (You'd need a one night stand for that.  Zing!)

Now do I believe he was just desperate to get married in order to sate some deep-seeded need to conform to societies standards?  No.  Reason being?  He wasn't looking for it; it just fell into him.  Like the best things in life, if you actively search for something, they will keep slipping through your fingers.  You find yourself settling for whats comfortable, not whats right.  No wonder the Hollywood divorce rate is so high.  Not everyone finds what is right, but when they do, you can tell it in their face, their mannerisms, their outlook on life, everything.  I'm happy that Richie found that, because real happiness could not have come to a guy who is so kind, considerate, and just plain nice.

Nice.  Merriam Webster defines NICE as 'well executed'.  Ok...that's helpful.  Well how about NICE GUY?  Urban Dictionary defines it as 'a male who can't get a girlfriend, never mind get laid, because he doesn't treat women like shit'.  Well at least that's specific.  Maybe you're like me in reading those definitions, but I find that second one to be just dripping with irony.  Don't girls WANT to be treated with respect, dignity, and being viewed as more than a hole to fuck?  

Don't get me wrong, it's easy to see why girls are attracted to the bad boys: they're injured fawns that compel them to nurse them back to health while domesticating them in the process.  It doesn't matter that they blew off your 2nd date, or have a criminal record 2 pages long; they can still be saved.  It's like girls turn into Christian missionaries on a quest to convert the heathens into seeing the error of their ways.  Ok, that's noble, admirable, and just plain naive, but what's wrong with just choosing a nice guy who doesn't require all that extra legwork?

Being a nice guy doesn't automatically place you into the ever-dreaded 'Friend Zone'.  Actually, that's a lie.  You can be the nicest person on earth, but if you're 5'6", 300 lbs, a face that could be mistaken for the moon because it has so many craters, and less game than Tim Tebow, the only way you're getting a girl is with a Mastercard and ordering them from Russia.  But if you're a fit, handsome, intelligent, funny guy who is nice ON TOP of all that, you'd think that combination would be like a DG purse or 50 Shades of Gray; they have to have it.  Oh how silly we are.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm a nice guy.  And like all of us in that camp, I give everything of myself  to make others happy and expect nothing in return....ok, I can't finish that sentence truthfully.  Of course nice guys expect something in return.  That's the nature of the beast for us.  It could be approval, recognition, a promotion, getting laid, there is some underlying reason why we are nice.  But all those individual reasons can be boiled down into one single concept.  We want to be happy.  Professionally, personally, philosophically, we want to feel good about the giving of ourselves.  We're really like prostitutes to the masses, minus all the STI's.

The part where nice guys falter is that we come off as having no personal goals and aspirations because we're constantly concerned about the well-being of others.  And that is bullshit.  Aspiring to something is basic human nature; it's simply evolution on a higher-cognizant scale.  Some people might realize it earlier than others, which is why some of my high school classmates were happy finishing junior college, moving back to our hometown, and opening their own towing business...before they could legally buy a beer!  Others, like my mom, go back to college at 50 to get their doctorate in Theology.  Just think of that.  Waiting 32 years before she was able to start on her own personal aspirations.  In that time, she worked at a mission in San Diego, married my dad after 7 months (relationship police, where are you?!) had 4 kids, and has seen them all graduate high school.  Would I call her life wasted?  Not in the least bit.  But having patience to wait 32 years to fulfill one of your dreams?  That takes dedication.

Nice guys have that ability to be unnaturally patient, constantly waiting for the moment all their time and effort finally pays off.  Like an actor constantly auditioning before landing that big role, or Ann Hathaway in the Devil Wears Prada, patience, persistence, and thick skin is what's necessary to get the desired results.  But I feel there is one quality that is constantly overlooked by everyone, us nice guys included: adaptation.

The first time your being nice is taken advantage of, 2 things will happen: a change in demeanor, and a gaining of intelligence.  Maybe it's not so much a change in demeanor as it is a change in tactics.  No wonder the British weren't able to modify battle tactics against the colonists.  They just weren't very nice.

*Sidenote* I feel we should change our motto to 'Land of the free and home of the adaptable'.

The second change is much deeper.  A gaining of intelligence can be very simple, but have resounding effects on a number of aspects of life.

Mentally: We gain intelligence about what friends/society/girls didn't care for.

Physically:  We realize we aren't intimidating or in shape enough for people to appreciate how nice we are.

Verbally:  We figure out what to say depending on the situation, IE, stress, joy, sadness, drunkeness, etc.

All these experiences not only teach us what is taboo, but also what works now and what will work in our favor for the future.

The future.  Nice guys are constantly looking towards the future, and often deluding themselves in the process.  Taking too much stock in the initial investment of any interaction is a one way ticket to disaster.  It inhibits your ability to see what is right in front you.  Think of it as situational beer-goggles. We get the desired result from being nice, and expect the situation to be the same throughout its duration.  5 minutes.  5 years.  It doesn't matter.  The world around us is constantly changing, so if you're a nice guy and are trying to maintain the status quo, that's suicide.  Again, I harken back to adaptability.

I'm not saying nice guys should change their values.  Some people are just born nice.  Others learn it through experience.  Others get it as a graduation gift, although a trust fund is usually accompanied by it.  The fact is that even if, or better yet WHEN, your being a nice guy is taken advantage of, you shouldn't (and in all honesty won't be able to) transform yourself into a complete badass or narcissist or whatever don't-give-a-damn persona you think people will want you to be.  It's engrained in your being.  The choice to change it goes beyond a simple thought saying you're done being nice.  It requires a complete paradigm shift in your entire life.  Car, wardrobe, bills, relationships with friends/parents/significant others/etc, it all will have to change.  But when that decision is made, the lasting consequences need to be accounted for.  Think of it as a a personality Butterfly Effect, and that's when you need to ask yourself: are you willing to accept the consequences of your actions, whether you can see them or not?

Your friends, relatives, pets, jobs, career aspirations, they will all be effected by your choice to be the nice guy or the badass.  Richie wasn't about to let his experience with his ex change who he was.  And he turned out alright in the end.  So when the choice is presented to you, what do you do?  It's time to choose your own adventure.